Walking two kilometers would have been delightful in a treadmill and in my running shoes except I’m not on a treadmill and definitely not on my running shoes. I’m walking two long kilometers on an actual street towards home in my 3-inch wedge, while the rain is slightly pouring from the sky as if the heavens are in solitude with how I am feeling.
I saw Amelia in the hallway earlier today, it’s funny how she was on a phone call and had to place the person on hold when she saw me. She came straight to me and dropped the news about the new supervisory post that just opened. I was stunned for a second and gave her my best expression of I’m-not-ready-for-that-big-thing look. I looked daze for a moment although I already knew about the post hours before I get to see her. At that point, there was nothing else to do but to courageously summon myself, and I did as I uttered the meek words “I’m not ready”. And she looked at me with her motherly eyes and answered “When will you be ready?”
You see, it’s not about that stupid supervisory post because, what made me really stunned about all of this is the very fact that we already had the exact conversation exactly four months ago! It was the days of the past when the future was viewed with glorious eyes, and mind you it looked merrier and brighter that way. It was way back I lost Tim, way back my unexpected termination, and way back when the favor of many was mine. I can’t believe when I have risen from the most difficult months and moved on, she’s still asking me the same old question “When will you be ready?”
This day’s work load was heavy enough to bear thus I decided to just walked all the way home as a ritual of releasing unpleasant emotions. I was in deep thinking when I felt droplets of rain in my arms. Out of instincts, I looked up and saw the sad gray sky and started asking myself that one difficult question, “Will I ever be ready?”